BREATHE IN...BREATHE OUT...MOVE ON!!

These are words to one of my favorite songs and this has also been my mantra these past years. When my husband of 47 years was diagnosed with cancer...I would tell myself just breathe...we can do this. During his numerous bouts with chemo...just breathe...during his stem cell transplants.....
breathe in...breathe out..move on!!!  Move on and do what has to be done. When we received the terminal diagnosis...I would breathe in but would forget to breath out. So numerous times a day you would hear this big whoosh of air being expelled as my body remembered to breathe out.

But that is in the past. Or is it? The past is never the past because it is really never gone. The past caught me off guard this morning as I was digging in my dresser drawer and came up with his safe accident free belt buckle. The past is there when I look into the eyes of our youngest son...the past is always there and after all where would it go and why would I want it to be gone anyway. The past I'm talking about and the past that I want to be gone is the hurting past of the past few months of his life. I'm trying to "move on" and move away from the bad years and focus on the good times. Trying so hard to not let the painful past haunt me and trying so hard to not let the past become my future. I want to look at the belt buckle and remember how much he loved driving his big 18 wheeler...I want to look at pictures of him on his ATV at the dunes and remember his dare-devil rides and jumps. What a hoot!!  I want to view pictures of us on vacation and remember the fun we had together...no tears of sadness. I don't want to remember cancer...chemo...treatments...and final days. I want to move on and move away from the pain...move on and away from cancer.

Breathe in...breathe out....move on!!